Snow Is Evil
by Mako1
Summary: It might be winter in this hemisphere at the moment, but in the south Pacific? That's an entirely different story...^^
1. Default Chapter

Snow Is Evil!

Author Chick's Notes: No I haven't smoked anything I shouldn't…I am just in the mood to be naughty. ^^  This all came about from a series of pics I have seen over the past few winters.  Pics sent to me by 'caring' mates who can't see why I absolutely despise winter and that white stuff associated with it.  For the record, I still hate winter and snow.  

Snow Is Evil! 

Deep Six checked his watch before knocking.  He still had a few minutes before the room's occupant was to wake up, but the deep-sea diver figured that this particular person needed a little extra help getting out of bed.  It was two degrees below zero outside after all.  No response.  Deep Six knocked again, this time entering as he did.  He saw a mountain of blankets and comforters on the narrow bed.  In the middle of the pile was a large lump, somewhat human in form.

"Come on Kid, get up."  Deep Six caught what was muttered from under the linens and laughed.  "Two below."

"What?"  Torpedo bolted upright before burying himself even deeper into his warm bed. "No way I getting out of here."  He vowed.

Deep Six narrowed his eyes and nibbled at his lip, time for plan 'B'.  Going back to the door he got the pail he had brought along with him just in case.  The diver sized up the situation before grabbing the corner of the covers and quickly yanking them back.  Torpedo didn't have enough time to pull them back over his head before Deep Six dumped the pail full of snow on him.

Jumping out of his now snow filled bed, Torpedo screamed at the rude invasion of cold.  Deep Six smirked at the litany of language spewing forth from the Hawai'ian born SEAL and left.  Outside in the hall, Doc could hear the swearing and saw the smirk on Deep Six's face.  "Alright, what did you do to piss him off?" Doc asked.

"Bucket of snow in his nice warm toasty bed." Deep Six answered as he lit up a cigarette.

Doc raised an eyebrow before scolding the diver.  "The kid's from the tropics…he doesn't know what snow is." 

"He does now." Deep Six replied.  His smirk was beginning to be replaced by laughter.   Doc made a comment about the diver's post life prospects in Hell.  Deep Six shrugged then leaned towards Torpedo's door.  "Forty five minutes Hawai'i!"  

"UFA HOALE!" Doc stared at the door before looking to the laughing Deep Six for a translation.  

"Politely?  It translates to 'up yours white boy'." Deep Six answered.  The hand gesture he used showed Doc what the actual translation was.  Doc's jaw just dropped.

At the appointed time, a heavily dressed Torpedo entered the lounge in the men's dormitory.  "You ever think of doing that again and I kill you." He scowled at Deep Six.  It took roughly six point three seconds for everyone else in the lounge to find out what 'that' had been.  The Joes from warmer climates gave Torpedo a look of sympathy, the ones from colder climes however were taking Deep Six's side. 

"Oh my God! I'd have paid a fortune to see that!" Airtight howled in laughter.  " Eh heh just kidding." He sobered, when he saw the look of death from the SEAL.

"Look at it this way." Deep Six started.  "By sunset tonight you'll be on a nice warm tropical island where winter is a myth."  

"And I'm staying there until summer." Torpedo muttered under his breath.  After bidding farewell to friends, the two divers collected their bags and left for a plane awaiting to take them to their latest assignment.  

Outside they stopped when they saw Cover Girl sitting in the snow, howling in laughter.  As Torpedo tried to find out what Cover Girl found so funny, Deep Six looked around.  The cigarette hanging from his mouth fell to the ground when he spotted what the tanker was most likely laughing at.

In the middle of the courtyard were some of the most bizarre snowmen he'd ever seen.  Some of them were upside down, a few others had the parts mixed up, but it was the one with the head upside down that caught his attention.  It was a very well endowed snowman at that.  "Let me guess?  Someone got bored last night." Deep Six finally said.

Torpedo looked first at Deep Six, then followed his gaze to the mutant snowmen.  "What the hell?"  Cover Girl meanwhile flopped down flat in the snow and laughed even harder.  The two divers took in the scene and found even more odd creations made of snow.  Some of them qualified as downright obscene, that's when Torpedo started laughing.  "Dat's talent!" He managed to get out between fits of laughter.  

Scarlet was coming across the courtyard towards them when she saw the sculptures.  She reached her hand up to close her jaw before speaking up.  "Where on earth did these come from?" She stammered.  Deep Six didn't miss the blush that flushed on the woman's cheeks when she tripped over one of the cruder sculptures.  "What…Pervert?" Scarlet tried to ask as she looked at the one she tripped over.  It was a rough outline of a couple engaged in sex.

Cover Girl had calmed down a bit and managed to answer her teammate. "I don't know.  But when I find out who…" She paused to laugh again. "…When I find who, I'm gonna shake their hand." Cover Girl broke down in laughter again.

Scarlet looked up when she heard the door to the men's dorm open.  Frostbite took no time in spotting what had the others either laughing or flustered.  "Okay…"  Before Scarlet could accuse him of the sudden artistic outbreak, Frostbite defended himself.  "Don't look at me Red.  These are good, but they're amateur at best."  He started.  "I can do a hell of a lot better!"  After a moment, Frostbite defended his fellow arctic weather specialists too. "And so can the rest of the…"

A bright flash of light interrupted them.  Deep Six held a camera to his eye and took a few more pictures of the bizarre scene before turning to Torpedo.  "Okay, come on Kid, Palau's waiting." He stated.  Torpedo followed a few steps behind his teammate before striking.  Swiping a foot out, he tripped up Deep Six and sent him face first into the deep snow.  While his victim lay there temporarily stunned, Torpedo grabbed a handful of snow and shoved it down Deep Six's coat collar.  The shock of cold made Deep Six bolt upright as he tried to shake the snow out of his cloths, Torpedo meanwhile chuckled the whole way to the plane Wild Bill had warming up.  Soon the two divers were away on their mission.  

Back in the lounge, Sci-Fi came in dressed in his uniform, minus his helmet.  The laser trooper looked like he'd had a rough night the previous evening as he got a cup of coffee.  Someone greeted him as he turned back towards his room.  "Hold that thought." He muttered.  After adding a shot of whiskey to his coffee he returned to the lounge.  "We're doing what today?" Sci-Fi asked as the combination of coffee, whiskey and some pills he'd swallowed earlier began beating his hang over back.

"The usual." Duke answered, scowling at the hung over man.  

"Oh goody.  I don't have to think." Sci-Fi replied as he took another sip of spiked coffee.

Low Light came out shortly after, he had Sci-Fi's helmet with him.  "You left this on the desk." He muttered, handing the helmet over.  Sci-Fi thanked him and took the helmet.  Low Light meanwhile made his way over to the table with the coffee pot.  Reaching into one of his pockets, he pulled out a small flask and added some of the contents to his mug.

Duke stared slack jawed at the two for a moment.  "You two knew you had duty today, and yet you got drunk last night anyway!" He bellowed.  The two winced at the sudden increase in noise before replying.

"Blame Ace, he's the one who held the poker tourney last night." Sci-Fi explained.  Duke glared at the pilot as he wandered into the room.  Ace saw the disapproving look and turned back the way he came.

"Get back here!" Ace muttered a small 'damn' under his breath before doing as ordered.  As Duke chewed Ace out, Low Light and Sci-Fi made their escape.  Once outside Sci-fi stopped and stared at the weird landscape before him.

"Those have got to be the freakiest snowmen I've ever seen." He murmured.  Low Light looked at him before laughing.  Sci-Fi glanced at Low Light before looking back at the snowmen.  "Dude! Those things are friggin spooky!"

"You're the one who made them last night." Low Light told him.  "Don't you remember?" 

"Me?"

"Yeah you." Low Light snickered.  Sci-Fi tried to recall what he'd done the night before, when he saw Scarlet glaring at him.  Cover Girl doubled over in laughter as Sci-Fi quickly sobered up.

"I'm a dead man." He gulped before making a break for it.  Low Light and Cover Girl both howled in laughter as Scarlet chased after the escaping laser trooper.

"I love when he gets drunk." Low Light spoke up when the two heard Sci-Fi yelping, Scarlet had caught up to him.

"Why?" Cover Girl asked.

"He never remembers the crazy crap he pulls until after he's in trouble for it."  The two heard more yelling and decided to go save Sci-Fi from the wrath of one pissed off Scarlet.  "He owes me for this." Low Light chuckled.

The End.


	2. Sand Is Much Better

Sand Is Much Better.

Author Chick's Notes: Hey lookie! A part two to the snow fic!  Kinda sorta.  God how I miss da beach!  And I have bastard mates in the islands reminding me of what I am missing right now too…the backstabbing sods. Blah Denotes spoken Russian.

Sand Is Much Better.

Deep Six glanced up from his reading as a heavy winter coat flew past to land next to him.  Looking in the direction of where the coat had come from, the diver could almost swear the other passenger on the cargo plane was purring.  They were nearing their final destination, somewhere off of the archipelago of Palau.  Word had it that COBRA was attempting to build an underwater base in the area. Who better to send to investigate then two of the toughest, meanest divers in the US armed forces?  At least in theory.

An hour after landing, Deep Six and Torpedo parted ways with Wild Bill, who was already complaining of the humidity and set off in the SHARC to a remote atoll.  They had changed into clothing more appropriate for the warm tropical climate. Much to the relief of Torpedo, who was still mad about the snow incident that morning.  Upon landing and setting up camp for the duration, Torpedo flopped down in the warm sand and closed his eyes, purring as he absorbed the heat flooding his body.

"K, I ready for da pretty hula halau* now."  Torpedo muttered.

"They have all male halaus don't they?" Deep Six asked.

Torpedo cracked an eye open to see Deep Six standing over him smirking.  "Yeah, dey get all male halaus, an' dey all better looking den you too." 

Deep Six placed a hand on his chest.  "You wound me!"  He teased.

"In da head, hoale." Torpedo retorted, tossing a handful of sand in Deep Six's general direction.

The two remained silent for a few moments before Deep Six spoke up.  "God that's beautiful."

"Hmm?" Torpedo murmured.  He sat up and watched the sunset that Deep Six was complementing.  "Dat is pretty."  They stayed like that for a few more minutes before getting around to making dinner.  

Torpedo spied a coconut tree, laden with heavy ripe fruit.  The temptation was to great and he was soon shimmying up the tree with his diving knife clenched between his teeth.  Deep Six watched as the SEAL lopped a few of them off the tree and slithered back down to earth, all in a matter of minutes.

Deep Six shrugged as Torpedo went to work chopping away the thick husks of the coconuts.  He was rummaging around in a storage chest for an MIR, when a sound near the shore caught his attention.  There was a reef surrounding the atoll, providing a sheltered lagoon of sorts, so there shouldn't have been the splashing noise Deep Six was hearing.  Glancing towards the water, his eyes lit up.  Dinner was going to be gourmet tonight.

Dropping the packet he had picked up back into the chest, he took his shirt off and went to the water's edge.  Sure enough a school of prawns had come right near the shore for the evening.  Deep Six made a make shift net from his shirt and scooped it into the water.  He pulled the end closed and lifted it up, surprised by the sudden weight he almost lost his catch as his 'net' slipped from his fingers.  After getting a better grip this time he hoisted the shirt over his shoulder and went back to camp.  

Torpedo looked up as Deep Six came back smirking.  "What you wen get?" 

"Tiger prawns…big ones." Deep Six grinned.  Tossing his catch next to the fire, Deep Six dug around for something to cook his dinner with as Torpedo went back to hacking up one of the coconuts.  

Later that evening, Deep Six kept watch while his partner slept soundly nearby.  He was studying charts of the surrounding waters, trying to determine the best place to build an underwater base.  The area was gouged with deep-sea trenches and there were several possibilities.  The diver frowned.  This was going to be more difficult then he had originally planned.

A gentle breeze stirred the palm fronds as the sun began creeping over the horizon.  Deep Six groaned as he woke up, looking to where Torpedo had slept, he didn't see the SEAL.  He did however see tracks leading to the shore and saw that the spacing between them got rather far apart at the water's edge.  "Morning run, okay."  Deep Six mumbled.  Unlike his partner, Deep Six took a bit more time to wake up.  

Lighting the camp stove, he set water to boil for coffee.  While the water was warming up, he went for a quick swim in the lagoon.  He was getting out just as Torpedo returned from his morning jog.  He didn't however get out of the way fast enough.  Deep Six saw the grin and braced himself for the splash he knew was coming.  How Torpedo's lean frame managed to send up that much water when he wanted it to, eluded the deep-sea diver, but it did.

"You awake now?" Torpedo grinned after coming to the surface.

"No."  Deep Six made his way for shore when he was tackled from behind and dunked under again.  Knowing better, Torpedo swam off before Deep Six could return the favour.  "Pull that stunt again Flipper, and I'll shoot you." Deep Six growled.

"Jus' making up for da snow yesterday!" Torpedo cackled while he swam around in the lagoon.  

Deep Six was already on his second cup of coffee when Torpedo finally emerged from the water.  They spent an hour discussing the surrounding underwater geography and eating breakfast.  Deep Six glanced up from his coffee cup and scowled.  "That's enough calories to kill an elephant!" He stated when he saw what the SEAL had just finished devouring for his morning meal.

"And I gonna be starving when we get back later." Torpedo grinned.  Deep Six just rolled his eyes as the two began getting into their diving gear to start exploring.

Meanwhile, roughly a mile off shore from the atoll, a submarine was coming up to periscope depth.  Russia's elite fighting force, the October Guard, had also heard about the rumours of an underwater COBRA base and had come to investigate.  Diana had been ordered to survey the atoll to make sure it was clear for a landing party.  She was about to complain that she'd rather be getting her weapons ready when she stopped and grinned.

The view through the periscope was definitely a nice one as she watched Torpedo get into his wetsuit.  Diana? Lt. Gorky called out. 

Mmmm hmm?

Well? 

Oh there are people there alright. She answered.  Joes, I think. She purred. She was suddenly pushed aside by Brekhov who wanted to see for himself.  Diana scowled while the colonel cursed their luck.

It is the Joes. Brekhov snapped.  In the viewer he could see Deep Six removing a camouflaged tarp from the SHARC.  It is most definitely them. He groaned.  They have one of those SHARC things with them. He added.  Stepping away from the periscope, Brekhov stepped over to Lt. Gorky.  Now what do we do? He asked while Diana jumped back up to the viewer and continued to watch the proceedings on the beach.

Lt. Gorky had a hand over his mouth as he tried to recall all of the SHARC's known abilities.  They'll know we're here the second that thing hits the water. He muttered under his breath.  Which two did you see Colonel? Gorky asked, trying to gauge the abilities of the pilots.

I think it was the SEAL and their deep-sea diver, I'm not sure. Brekhov answered.

Da. It's those two.  Deep Six and Torpedo I believe they're called. Diana purred from the periscope.  She was thoroughly enjoying the show she got as the two unknowing Joes continued their preparations on shore.

Brekhov and Gorky shared a disconcerted look before continuing.  They'd have made brilliant sailors for Mother Russia…if they weren't Americans. Gorky commented.  Both men looked up when they heard an appreciative whistle come from the direction of the periscope.  

Brekhov shook his head and cursed under his breath.  We have no choice then, we have to let them know we're here or they shoot the second they spot us.  He commented to Lt. Gorky.   Diana!

Hmmm? Brekhov rolled his eyes again before asking her if the SHARC had been powered up yet.  Da, one of them is doing it now. She purred.

Horror Show? Brekhov called out.  Set up a link so we can talk to them. The colonel ordered.

What for?  They're just Americans. Horror Show groused. 

Da. Americans who will sink this ship in two seconds flat if you don't do as ordered. Gorky snapped at the large man.  Horror Show bitched as he set the communications link up.  Gorky was about to make contact when Diana spoke up from the periscope.

Nyet!  No oh don't, please…damn! She groaned and leaned against the periscope in disappointment.

They have taken off? Gorky asked, concern raising in his voice.

Nyet.  The SEAL zipped up his wetsuit, he's fully dressed now. She answered.  

Diana! Brekhov snapped.

What?  There are two almost completely naked men on a beach and you don't expect me to appreciate the fact? Diana snapped back.  Don't think I have forgotten about the last time we were in Cuba. She added.

Brekhov blushed and found something interesting in the bulkhead to look at while the rest of the Guard laughed at his expense.  Gorky got out of his seat and went over to the periscope.  Taking a microphone from nearby, he held up a hand to silence his comrades.  Peering through the scope, he opened up the link.

On shore, Deep Six was adjusting one of the couplings on his suit when the radio crackled to life.  He looked at Torpedo then the two glanced towards the SHARC.  Deep Six climbed in and saw that a transmission was coming in on a secure frequency.  He turned on the receiver and got the shock of his life when he heard the distinct tenor of the October Guard's naval lieutenant.

"Come in Joes, do you read me?" Gorky's voice sounded over the radio.  Torpedo gawked at the SHARC as Deep Six answered the hail.  

Yes I read you Gorky. He replied in Russian.  What can I do for you? 

Back in the sub, Lt. Gorky smiled.  You speak Russian, I am impressed.  

"Yeah well it comes in handy in our line of work." Deep Six retorted, in English this time.  "What do you want?"  He asked again.

Gorky smiled.  He was pleased to discover that Deep Six was one who got right down to business.  It was a trait he admired very much.  "I would assume you are here for the same reasons we are.  A proposed COBRA base?" 

Back on shore Deep Six glanced at Torpedo.  The SEAL nodded his head slightly to go ahead and reply.  "Yes." Deep Six answered after a moment.  "Where are you at?" He added.

"Tell the other one to face directly behind you."  Gorky replied.  On shore Torpedo did just as the lieutenant had requested, holding binoculars up to scan for any sign of the Russians.  "We are roughly one of your miles dead ahead of him."  

Torpedo scanned the water and quickly saw the sunlight glinting off the periscope.  "Got em." He muttered.  "Hey? How long dey been there?"  He asked suddenly, taking the binoculars away from his eyes for a moment.

"Long enough for Diana to enjoy watching you both get ready." Gorky replied.  Deep Six blushed while Torpedo laughed and looked back out towards the Russian submarine.  Back on the submarine it was Diana's turn to blush when they heard Torpedo asking how much she had enjoyed the show.  "I would say very much, judging by the whistling and purring.  However that's a topic to be discussed later."  Gorky replied.  "We have more pressing concerns right now."

Deep Six and Torpedo listened while Lt. Gorky proposed that the two groups join forces.  Deep Six looked to Torpedo for an okay.  Torpedo just shrugged in a 'why not?' manner and they agreed.  Fifteen minutes later the SHARC pulled along side the submarine and they had a video link set up.

"Any of you qualified divers?" Deep Six asked as an idea formed in his mind.

"Just Stormavik and myself." Gorky replied.  "And I am needed here to pilot our vessel." He added.  

Deep Six glanced at Torpedo's reflection in the window before speaking up again.  "Okay then.  How about you drop him off on one side of the atoll and I drop Torpedo off on the opposite?  They can search for anything near the surface while we do the same deeper down." 

"Agreed. We'll take this side, you take the west." Gorky replied.  Stormavik went to suit up and was soon in the water looking at the reef wall for any signs of damage done by man.  Deep Six flew the SHARC to the opposite side of the atoll and dropped Torpedo off to do a similar search on the steep reef walls. 

"How deep can that thing go?" Deep Six asked over the net.

"Five hundred metres easily.  It's also equipped with a little extra 'security' if you will."  Gorky replied.   After engaging a silent drive built into the Russian submarine, the two vessels sank into the depths for any sign of a COBRA base.

"Hey Six?" Torpedo called out after a while.  "I get some serious break up at about a hundred fifty feet here.  No storm could a done this." He relayed his findings.  Stormavik called in at about the same time to say he had also found something similar in his section of reef.

"They are possibly using the material for construction?" Stormavik offered.

"Wait!"  Brekhov called out from the sonar position he was manning.  "Listen to this."  Everyone listened to what Brekhov had found on sonar.  Deep Six was heading towards the Russian vessel when his own sonar went off.

"Sounds like drilling?" Diana spoke up from her position.

"It is.  For moorings, possibly." Deep Six replied.  The two vessels worked to zero in on the source of the sound when Deep Six spotted a faint glow ahead and below him.  "I think I found them."

"Da comrade you did.  There are two torpedoes heading your way." Brekhov replied as he listened to the action unfolding in the distance.

Deep Six thought for a moment then smirked.  "Got my position?" He asked, remembering that the Russian sub didn't show on sonar.

"Da."

"Good.  I'll keep these clowns occupied while you sneak in for the kill." Deep Six said before dodging the incoming missiles.

Closer to the surface, Torpedo and Stormavik knew there was nothing they could do but wait for their respective teammates to return.  They both got ashore and were soon at the Joe's campsite listening in on the action going on far below the turquoise waters of the Pacific.

The SHARC shook from the explosion of a torpedo that had gotten a little to close for comfort.  Deep Six cursed before banking hard right to avoid a head on collision with another.  Over the communications net, he could hear Gorky saying that he had acquired a firing solution on the base.  "Acquiring is fine, shoot the bastards already!" Deep Six barked.

"Pleasant isn't he?" Stormavik joked on shore. 

"You should see him when he first wake up." Torpedo retorted, as they continued to listen in on what was going on below.

In the Russian sub Gorky ordered the firing of his own weapons.  "Tubes one through four, now!" Diana hit the launch mechanisms and then there were four torpedoes barrelling towards the underwater base.  Brekhov removed his headphones as they approached the base.  Deep Six meanwhile piloted the SHARC out of range of the blast as all four weapons struck with deadly force on the half constructed base.

On the beach, the two divers scanned the ocean surface for any sign of the explosion.  "There!" Stormavik barked.  Torpedo didn't need binoculars to see what Stormavik had found.  A huge plume of water gushed skywards where the explosion had occurred far below.  

"Auwe!*  What da hell you wen hit em with? Nukes?"  Torpedo asked.

Stormavik shrugged. "I am damned if I know what Gorky has that thing loaded with." He answered honestly.

Down below, Gorky could hear the conversation between the two on shore.  "I only keep standard weapons aboard.  They must have already had their power source in place." He theorized.  "Come in Joe, do you copy?" Gorky asked suddenly when he realised he hadn't heard from Deep Six since the base exploded.

"Uhg.  Yeah I'm here.  Just got shaken up real good is all." Deep Six replied.

Diana spoke up from her monitoring position with her readings.  "Sensors don't pick up any radiation Lieutenant.  Or escape pods…I think it's safe to say no one survived."

"Must have hit the weapons cache then." Deep Six replied.

"Well whatever we hit, the base is gone." Brekhov spoke up.  "I'd say mission successful?" He added.

A little while later, after Gorky had found a shallow underwater plateau to rest his submarine at, the October Guard joined the two Joes on the beach.  Both commanders had called into their respective headquarters and reported mission successful.  Now was the time to celebrate.  

Diana raised an appreciative eyebrow at Torpedo who had the top half of his wetsuit hanging around his hips.  "Oh no sister." He laughed.  "You got one free show already, you not getting another."

Brekhov smirked at the blonde woman as she pouted.  I take it I won't be hearing about Cuba anymore from you? He teased in Russian.

"Cuba?" Deep Six asked.  

"A grand story comrade!" Gorky laughed.  Brekhov shot the naval officer a glare, but to no avail.  Gorky went on to tell the two Joes about the incident involving a nude beach on the Cuban shore and the Colonel's less then professional reaction to the discovery.  Diana smirked at the horrified look on Brekhov's face before heading towards the water for a swim.  The two Joes meanwhile were howling in laughter as Stormavik and Horror Show added to the story.

"Oh Cuz, dat's just to…" Torpedo stopped mid sentence.  "…holy shit." Deep Six looked from the SEAL's stunned expression to the water where Diana was removing every stitch of clothing for her swim.

"Jesus."  Deep Six muttered.

The rest of the Guard glanced towards the water then back to the two Joes.  "She's always doing this when we're near anything remotely tropical."  Stormavik dismissed.

"Da.  Come let's drink to our triumph!" Gorky exclaimed.  That got Deep Six's attention as he watched the lieutenant rummage around a box.

"That's what I like about the Russian Navy.  They know how to appreciate their booze." He complimented when Gorky held up a bottle of fine French cognac.  "Hey Kid?" Deep Six elbowed Torpedo when he noticed that the SEAL was still staring at where Diana was.

"Huh? Wha?"  Torpedo took a second before spotting the box with the liquor.  "Ho Cuz! Half dat stuff illegal in da States!" He stated when he saw some of the bottles the Guard were going through.

"We ain't in the States at the moment." Deep Six pointed out.

"Dis is true." Torpedo replied as he took a glass offered to him.  The two groups put their countries politics aside as they drank well into the night.

THE END

*Hula halau = what a hula troop is called.

*Auwe = 'What the hell?' in Hawai'ian. 


	3. In Good Company

In Good Company.

Author Chick's Notes:  Just picking up where the beach one ended…there is booze involved after all. ^^  Eh, I am predominantly Eastern European heritage wise, and I have seen this for myself more then a few times at family gatherings. =p  This gets kind of crude in places so I'll rate it R just to be safe.

In Good Company.

The following morning, Torpedo awoke with a pounding headache and an upset stomach.   He looked around and saw bodies scattered around the campsite and figured he wasn't the only one not feeling well that morning.  He heard snoring from somewhere behind him and tilted his head back in the sand.  Leaning against one of the trees was the largest of the October Guard, Horror Show an empty bottle lay next to the bear of a man.  

Gingerly getting up, Torpedo carefully made his way to the SHARC to retrieve a pair of sunglasses and some aspirin.  Washing several pills down with water he ambled towards the lagoon for a swim.  There was no way he was going to do his usual morning run with the way he was feeling.  He ended up on his back just floating lazily in the water instead and letting the water cradle his body.

Back at camp, Diana was the next to wake up.  Rolling out of her hammock, she assessed the situation and went to work.  Cranking up the fire, she started to make breakfast for the others.  She had been the last to go to sleep the previous night and wasn't at all surprised that she had beaten most of them to waking up that morning.  They were definitely going to be taking their time getting ready to depart later. 

"Aloha." Diana heard from somewhere behind her.  She turned to see Torpedo heading towards her and smirked.  

"You don't look so good." She teased as Torpedo wrapped a towel around his waist and flopped down nearby.

"I feel like hell." He muttered.  The SEAL noticed that she wasn't the slightest bit hung over from the previous night's drinking.  He envied her. "Mahalo." He thanked Diana when she handed him a cup of coffee.

Thinking back to the previous night, Diana spoke up again.  "Your language is very beautiful to listen too, by the way." She complimented.  "It's very flowing and musical."

Torpedo winced.  He knew what she was talking about and now had a very good idea of just how drunk he had gotten.  It was well known among the Joes that when Torpedo got very drunk he usually stopped speaking English altogether.  It was how Deep Six had managed to learn as much of the native Hawai'ian language as he had, and the diver only knew a few dozen words at best.  

Around noon the rest of them had risen and began getting ready to depart.  Deep Six and Torpedo would be heading to the capitol of Palau to meet up with Wild Bill, then head back to Joe headquarters.  The October Guard would board their submarine and take off for their next assignment.  As they were parting ways, Lt. Gorky made a gift of vodka to Deep Six.  Deep Six thanked his Russian counterpart and soon the two groups went their separate ways.  Thankfully, Deep Six wasn't in nearly as bad a shape as Torpedo and managed to take off and head west for Palau.

An hour later, at a runway in Koror, Deep Six landed the SHARC next to a large cargo plane with the GI Joe emblem on it.  Wild Bill had made a trip to Japan to pick up Lift Ticket, who'd been assigned there temporarily and had just beaten the two divers back to the Palaun capitol.  The two pilots took one look at each other before looking back at the SHARC.  They didn't miss the fact that their teammates were both wearing dark sunglasses and moving rather slowly.

"What the hell happened to y'all?" Lift Ticket asked.

"Da October Guard wen happen to us." Torpedo muttered, getting his duffle bag out of one of the storage compartments of the SHARC.

"Correction…the booze stash of the October Guard happened to us." Deep Six added.  He retrieved his own bag and something else that Torpedo had forgotten.  "Hey Kid? It's snowing back home, remember?" He said, tossing Torpedo's heavy winter coat to him.

Torpedo groaned as the coat landed on his head and went inside the plane.  Deep Six laughed and followed suit.  Torpedo crawled into one of the cargo nets set up in the plane and was soon fast asleep.  Deep Six got comfortable in a cargo net opposite of Torpedo and shut his eyes.  Lift Ticket came in and looked at the two.

"The October Guard?  I thought y'all was supposed to deal with COBRA, not them?"  He asked Deep Six.

Deep Six cracked an eye open.  "They had the same orders as us.  Take out a COBRA base.  We joined forces, took out the base, and got rip snorting drunk.  I'll tell you the whole story when we get home." Deep Six muttered before falling asleep.

Lift Ticket went to the cockpit of the plane to start warming it up for its journey home.  Wild Bill meanwhile got the SHARC loaded and soon they were airborne.  With roughly three hours left of their trip, Deep Six woke up to approaching night outside of the plane.  He looked over to where Torpedo was still curled up asleep.  Deep Six's hangover was gone and he went over to Torpedo to drape a blanket over his teammate.  It was starting to get noticeably cooler inside the plane and Torpedo was beginning to shiver in his sleep.

Satisfied that the SEAL wouldn't get to cold, Deep Six went towards the cockpit to find how much longer they'd be in the sky.   Wild Bill was leaning back in his seat sleeping, leaving Lift Ticket at the helm.  Lift Ticket looked up as Deep Six announced himself and filled the diver in on their current position.  "Yer pard there ain't moved by the way.  I think he's dead." Lift Ticket dead panned.

Deep Six snorted a laugh and assured the pilot that Torpedo did indeed have a pulse and was still among the living.  Pilot and diver talked a little more when Deep Six heard a clunking sound from the roof of the plane.  "What the hell?"

"Flying gas station." Lift Ticket answered, pointing towards the top of the cockpit.  "Hey thanks y'all." He responded to the incoming call from the plane flying right above the cargo jet.  

"Any time Mack." Came the answer and Deep Six saw the lights from the plane as it banked away from the Joes.

"Hn." Deep Six muttered.  "Hey? What's our ETA?" He asked after a moment.

Wild Bill had been woken by the sound of the disconnecting fuel hose and replied.  "We'll be home just in time fer chow."

"Actually, we'll home just in time for Lifeline to be passing out the antacids." Lift Ticket joked.

At the mention of food, Deep Six turned his gaze back to towards the cargo area of the plane.  "You didn't mess with the ice chest in the SHARC did you?" He asked.

"Didn't touch a thing." Wild Bill answered. "…why? What y'all smuggling?" He asked jokingly.

Deep Six smirked and held his index fingers about seven inches apart. "Tiger prawns."   The three men jumped a bit when they heard Torpedo behind them.

"How many you wen get, hoale?" Torpedo asked groggily.  He had the blanket wrapped around his shoulders and was rubbing sleep from his eyes.

"Nice to see yer alive." Wild Bill teased the SEAL.  Torpedo gave him the finger and waited for Deep Six to answer his question.

"The ice chest is loaded, Kid." Deep Six replied.  This got appreciative whistles from the two pilots.

"I take it y'all plan on sharing right?" Deep Six assured them that he'd share his catch.  Adding that Roadblock would be the only person he'd allow to prepare them.

Torpedo shook his head and flopped down in a seat behind Lift Ticket.  They were soon landing at Headquarters.  A light snow was falling outside the plane and Torpedo scowled.  "I hate da snow." He muttered as he went towards the cargo area to get dressed for the conditions outside.  Deep Six followed and helped unload the SHARC.

In the lounge area of the men's dormitory, their comrades greeted the four.  Hawk scheduled debriefing sessions for the following morning and Torpedo excused himself to go take a hot shower.  Deep Six handed over the ice chest to Roadblock, telling him what it contained and that he expected a grand feed of the shellfish within the next few days.  Roadblock took off for the kitchen, saying that the diver would be having his grand feed in about half an hour.

Deep Six took off for a quick shower.  When he came back he could hear Lift Ticket telling the various men in the room about the condition the two divers had been in when they'd met up in Koror.

"Yins were shit faced?" Steeler asked incredulously.

"Very." Torpedo responded as he too entered the room.  His shower had greatly reinvigorated him and he was far more human feeling then he had been on the flight back.  Steeler commented about the two piloting the SHARC in such a condition when Short Fuze interrupted him.

"'Scuse me?  I've seen the hooch you bunch have up there in that hole of yers!" He bellowed, pointing in the general direction of the motor pool.  "I know damn well ya's go driving around in tanks, half lit!" He added.

Steeler held up his hands in surrender and chuckled.  "Okay I give, ya win.

"Yeah I thought so." Short Fuze snorted.

"Shut up." Steeler told him.  The two glared at each other for a few seconds before returning to the conversation at hand.

Lift Ticket reminded Deep Six that the diver had promised to tell the whole story of their mission when they had returned to base.  "And we're home, so spill!"  Lift Ticket laughed, taking a seat on the couch.

"Spill what?" Sci-Fi asked as he entered the lounge.  Deep Six and Torpedo saw the laser trooper had a split lip and asked what had happened.  "Scarlet happened." Sci-Fi replied.  Rubbing at his sore chin.

Frostbite interrupted.  "Remember them weird snowmen?"  He asked, jerking a thumb at Sci-Fi.

Torpedo looked at Sci-Fi in awe. "You wen make those?"

"Supposedly.  I don't remember doing it." Sci-Fi answered.  "Anyway I guess Scarlet doesn't appreciate 'fine art' and eh she made me pay for it." He winced. 

Deep Six and Torpedo laughed.  "What happened afterwards? She make you destroy them?" Deep Six asked, recalling he hadn't seen them when they got back.

"Nay.  She swiped me flamethrower an' melted the bloody things!" Blowtorch explained.  "And before I could get a picture too."  Steeler snapped his fingers in the air to get everyone's attention.

"'K enough of the crap." He started. "October Guard, yins drunk, I want details." Steeler exclaimed.  The two divers looked at each other for a second before Torpedo started laughing.  Deep Six started the story.

"We were at this atoll about a hundred miles out of the capitol.  We're in the middle of friggin no where." Deep Six went on to explain that they had set up camp and figured out their strategy for the following morning.

"…Dat's where da Guard comes in." Torpedo interrupted.  "We on da beach changing into our gear right?  Well dey was parked about a mile from shore watching." 

"And Diana got one hell of a show apparently." Deep Six smirked.  

Torpedo explained that he had to change out of his baggy swim trunks into a skin-tight pair before getting into his wetsuit.  "So she wen see da whole package!" Torpedo explained.

"Oh that sucks." Thunder laughed.

"It would have if she hadn't returned the favour later." Deep Six winked.  Most of the men in the room gawked at the two divers.  Torpedo waved his hands in the air as he told them to just wait and hear the rest of the story.

"Trust me! It gets better!" He grinned.

"Anyway.  Gorky gets on the horn to let us know that they're there."  Deep Six continued.  "And that Diana now has a damn good idea of how well they're grown in Hawaii." He added, jerking a thumb at Torpedo who was laughing.

Roadblock came out just then with a huge platter full of prawns that he had prepared in various ways.  "Real food, enjoy." He stated as he placed the platter on a table in the middle of the room.  Several of the Joes dug in while Roadblock handed a smaller plate of prawns to Deep Six, and a bottle.  "This was in the with the prawns." He smirked.

"That's where I put it." The diver grinned.  He slipped the bottle between himself and the arm of the chair he was in.  Between bites of dinner he went on telling the story.  "So we join up, find the base and blow it to hell." Deep Six continued.  "That's when the fun starts." He smirked.

Torpedo took over while Deep Six ate.  "We're back at our camp site, all of us when dey start telling us about some story about Brekhov and a nude beach."  Torpedo told them the story the Guard had told the two Joes.  They all laughed at the embarrassing situation the Russian colonel had gotten himself into.  "Dat's when Diana wen go for a swim."

The look on the SEAL's face told the others that they were in for a good one.  "She goes down by da water and starts stripping…it ALL came off!" He stated.  Deep Six chuckled at the various wolf whistles and catcalls as Torpedo continued.  "And she well groomed too."  He held two fingers up to give the men an idea of what he was talking about.  " And a natural blonde!"

"Oh no way!  She has a runway?" Sci-Fi asked.  Torpedo affirmed what Sci-Fi had asked, much to the pleasure of the gathered men.

"Next time yins are sent to some tropical paradise…" Steeler started.  "…I say we drop a line to the Guard and meet them there in force!" He laughed.  Several of the others gathered in the lounge agreed.

"While Diana is skinny dipping, the rest of them break out the booze." Deep Six continued after a moment.  "They had all sorts of stuff, from Cuban rum to real vodka." He stated, pointing to the bottle cradled next to him.  Torpedo groaned when he realized what the gift Gorky had given them was.  Steeler asked to see the bottle and read the label as Deep Six went on about the group's exploits that night.

"Torpedo and Diana were making pina coladas with the rum while I'm drinking some French stuff with Gorky.  The rest of them were downing that stuff." He said, pointing to the bottle Steeler was reading.  "I can speak Russian, I can't read it so I don't know where it's from." Deep Six added.

"Odessa, in the Ukraine." Steeler said as he studied the bottle before looking at the two divers.  "I've had this stuff before.  It's good shit…knocks you on yer ass in no time flat, but good all the same." He said, handing the bottle back to Deep Six.

"Yeah it knocks you down alright." Torpedo groaned.  

Deep Six laughed out loud and pointed at the SEAL.  "He had one glass of it, started with the 'Mele o Hawaii' and passed out cold ten minutes later!"  The others knew what Deep Six had meant about 'Mele o Hawaii' and laughed.

"Hey!" Torpedo defended himself.  "I was already on da second bottle of rum wit Diana, dat wen do me in."

"Oh I believe ya." Steeler sympathised.  "I can usually survive about six belts of this stuff before I'm out for the count."

Deep Six jerked a thumb at Torpedo before continuing.  "He's not the only one who forgets English when he's drunk.  A couple of the Guard had lapsed into Russian so we spent the rest of the night yacking away in that." Deep Six said.  

"Dat's why I kept dreaming I was in da middle of Red Square den?" Torpedo frowned.  "I thought it was dere accents."

"Nope." Deep Six confirmed.  "Don't feel to bad though.  Horror Show went night-night about half an hour after you did." 

"Wow? He went under early?" Frostbite asked.  "Last time I drank with him, I was gone first."

"You ever drank with Diana?" Deep Six asked.

"No."

"She can drink you and everyone else under the table and she'd only be getting started." Deep Six said.

Short Fuze held his hand up at about Diana's height. "That little thing?" He asked incredulously.  Deep Six just nodded his head.  "Jesus!"

"Gorky and I had survived most of them, except her.  By the time we called it a night she was just warming up."  Deep Six explained.  "And she was matching drink for drink."  Several of them gawked at the diver's statement.

Sci-Fi raised his gaze towards the ceiling.  "A woman after my own heart!" He joked.

Thunder glanced at Steeler and laughed.  Knowing his commanding officer's ethnic background, he couldn't resist.  "Y'all is a poor excuse for an Eastern European." He teased.

"No shit.  Jesus and I thought I was a booze hound." Steeler exclaimed.

Deep Six narrowed his eyes at Steeler before speaking again.  "You're a non starter compared to Diana then.  About the last coherent thing Gorky got out before he started snoring, was that she drank a whole platoon of the Red Army under once."

"And she wasn't hung over either." Torpedo added.  "She was da only one who wen wake up all bright eyed da next day.  Da rest of us was hurtin." 

"Holy shit. Remind me to never get into a drinking contest with her." Steeler muttered.

"She'd hand your ass back to you in pieces." Deep Six offered.

They spent the rest of the evening talking and joking.  Deep Six was still wide-awake after his long nap on the plane, so he stayed up with some of the night owls.  Sci-Fi eyed the vodka bottle and asked if he could try some.  Someone got some glasses as Deep Six shared the vodka.  After a few drinks it became apparent that the Joes might just have someone who could match Diana and her legendary drinking skills.  

Four of them had started, one was left to place blankets on the bodies that were draped over various pieces of furniture.  Steeler was snoring on the floor, Sci-Fi had claimed one of the couches as his bed for the night and Deep Six was sprawled in the chair he'd occupied for the evening. Picking up the now empty vodka bottle and putting it away. Blowtorch looked at the room as he turned out the light.  "Cheap dates the lot of ya." He chuckled in the darkness.

The End.


End file.
